Five finger exercises
Feb 25th
So your doctor has told you to take more exercise, so you have gone on a strict new fitness regimen. You’ve told your wife from now on you’ll cut your own fingernails, stir your own coffee and even brush your hair and put on your own socks.
Every morning now begins with a rigorous session of foot twitching and thumb twiddling.
Now it’s time to exercise another important part of your body. That’s right, your John Thomas. The Autoblow Blast is the ultimate workout for your longing cock.
Work up a sweat applying lube, then slip inside the soft silicone sleeve. Next, give your thumb a thorough workout flicking the multi-speed control from slow to fast at will. Remember to pace your penis, with short bursts of high speed activity, followed by longer sessions of slow, steady rhythmic ‘road’ work. The more blowjob miles you can put in the better. Be sure to get the full benefit as you curl your toes back and forth in ecstasy.
After the session, get your partner to cool you down with a nice refreshing body rub. Important: don’t try to overdo it by lifting the Autoblow Blast immediately after orgasm – allow at least ten minutes and then slowly wash it out and replace it in the cupboard until next time. The same goes for donning your socks, in the early stages put them on, but ask your wife to take them off. Such rigorous exercise can be a shock to the system.
Would you like hand relief, Sir?
Feb 5th
If you decide to go for a body massage in just about any part of South East Asia, be it Singapore, Hong Kong, The Philippines, Thailand, Malaysia or Indonesia, you will enter a relaxed and gentle environment where the massage room is cool and dark, and where the attractive but diminutive masseuse invites you to get naked and lie on the massage bed with the cutaway for your face.
For twenty minutes or so you can lose yourself in the relaxing rubbing, slapping and manipulating of the masseuse attending to your legs, your arms, your back, your shoulders, your neck. But then just as you begin to feel there is nothing left to massage, the girl will ask you to turn over. You obediently oblige, and as you turn around she demurely holds a sheet in front of her eyes so that she cannot see you fully naked.
She sets to work on your legs again, and gradually, ever so subtly, she will start to home in on your crotch. There’s a nerve along the top inner part of the thigh that all well trained masseuses know how to manipulate. With a few strokes of her hand along this area, you suddenly find yourself with an unavoidable boner that begs for attention.
It’s then that the question hangs in the air like the aroma from the scented candles:
“Would you like hand relief, Sir?”
Hand relief is a polite way of asking if you would like her to grab hold of your aching cock and male masturbate you to a rousing finale. Because she has pressed all the right buttons, and because she is cute and Oriental, you are gagging for hand relief. But before she lays a skilful finger on your cock, first you have to negotiate. Because this is not covered by your massage, this is over time for your massage babe.
Oh, she wants it as much as you do, but for purely financial reasons. So she mentions a price, and you have to beat her down, and then she suggests another price and you beat her down a little more until finally you want to scream “ok, ok, just stroke my cock pleeeeeeze!” But you can’t do that, you have to make it appear that for you it’s take it or leave it, you are completely indifferent.
Depending on your massage parlour you may also be asked if you want ’suck and fuck’ instead of hand relief. Or if you are in Thailand, that girl could offer to get all lubed-up and massage you with her naked body. Try saying no to hand relief after that performance.
So she does the business, and because she keeps massaging this part of your thigh and then strokes your balls, you come hard and intensely and it feels great.
If you go back and ask for the same girl next time you will get a discount. After the third visit you should be able to get her to quit the massage parlour and give it to you for free.
Three ways to love your monkey
Feb 2nd
It’s our duty to bring to your attention all matters relating to masturbation, and it would be remiss of us not to draw your attention to a veritable lifestyle of products and creative endeavours that encompass this pleasurable practice.
Slap Happy Masturbating Cream
Slap Happy allows you to get down to the business of slapping happily because it gives you great grip while actually reducing friction.
Its long lasting formula does not dry out, and many men are already extremely happy with the results. That’s because the cream warms quickly to the task in hand and has a deliciously smooth and creamy texture that feels just right for a good old fashioned spank of the monkey.
Pro-Masturbation Tee Shirts
There are a wide variety of humorous tee-shirts available online that are dedicated to the subject of jerking off. This is but one of them. If you want to show the world you’re a tosser, this is definitely one way to do it.
Vaseline Machine Gun
Leo Kottke is one of the world’s finest acoustic guitarists. Way back in the early ‘70’s he composed ‘as a kid’ a trail blazing guitar instrumental called ‘Vaseline Machine Gun’, the implications being pretty obvious. Now that Leo is a more stately gentleman of 64, he has often remarked upon how he has come to regret having given the tune this title. “But it is what it is.”
In the 1980’s, Leo almost had to abandon guitar playing due to painful tendonitis in his hands. We are assured that this was due to the awesome speeds at which he played his 12-string guitar, and not for more nefarious reasons. Leo still plays this tune, albeit a lot slower, but with much more rhythm, and isn’t that the most important thing?
The Top Three Best Male Masturbators In The World
Feb 2nd
A recent survey took place among men ranging from ages 18-60+ years across all races. Each of the 40 leading male masturbators featured were put through their paces by at least 20 men in order to decide which they felt was officially the Best Male Masturbator In The World. We can only guess at the impressive wrist muscles developed to achieve this result, but after an arduous grind, the top three in reverse order were:
Eve’s Ruby Delight
Made by Cal Exotics, Eve’s Ruby Delight has a bowl-shaped opening and is designed so that every time you thrust your cock the texture of the male masturbator stimulates the shaft and head. It is deep enough to take almost any size cock. At only $19.95, it is often bought as a first timer because of the price but many men have found this little number to be much better than much more expensive options.
Sue Johanson’s Head Honcho
Made by Doc Johnson, the Head Honcho Masturbator came second. There were many very satisfied testers who really loved this toy. Since The Head Honcho Masturbator has hit the market it has proved extremely popular. Women in particular choose the Head Honcho for their male partner, perhaps because unlike many male masturbators, it does not have the look and texture of another woman’s pussy!
The reason it scores so highly is the triple sucking sensation inside a radically new designed chamber. The Head Honcho is made from silicone and allows for a highly elastic and detailed pussy sleeve. The raised bumps inside are well designed and it’s these combined factors that hold the Head Honcho in such high regard.
The Fleshlight
Well, the winner came as less of a surprise because Fleshlight have spent millions of dollars telling every man that will listen that theirs is the number one selling sex toy, so perhaps if you say it often enough people will start to believe it. The survey stated that the Fleshlight delivers unsurpassed orgasms in an easy to use canister ensuring comfort and a feeling of smoothness and texture. It also heats up to your body temperature very quickly so as to give the most authentic feeling of all the male masturbators that were tested.
Repent ye now before it’s too late!
Feb 2nd
We like to showcase the many views, both for and against, upon the subject of masturbation. Here are the staunchly anti-masturbatory views of an Orthodox Greek Archbishop on the subject of getting down and dirty with your big bad trouser monkey:
“With the ascendency of the trashy morals and questionable cultural values that have entered into American life from television situation comedies, the question of masturbation is of little import to most Americans today. In a society which enjoys armpits and half-nude bodies paraded across its newspapers, magazines, and television sets, not to mention open advertisements everywhere for personal products that even a decade ago were sold on the back shelves of pharmacies, masturbation has even become the subject of humor. Not only is it considered normal, rather than abnormal and psychically and spiritually harmful, but an issue of a magazine for teenagers, according to a recent CNN report, ranked it among one of the most significant pastimes of American youth: a harmless preoccupation!
A young man once related an apparently true occurrence to the Archbishop: As a teenager, the young man in question was interested in sports, especially wrestling. At about fifteen, a teammate introduced him to the sin of self-abuse. Out of shame, he did not confess the sin. One day, a month later, he was wrestling at home, on the living room floor, with his older brother. Inadvertently, his brother, who was very hefty, fell on his chest with such force that he could not breathe and literally died. In this state, he observed his own body, the shock of his brother and his mother, who had rushed in to help him, and his soul, accompanied by his Guardian Angel, as it ascended above his house, high over the city where he lived, and finally into the heavens. He then found himself in a long, dark tunnel, at the end of which he saw a light and Paradise. As he entered into this light, he saw the Theotokos, who asked his Guardian Angel why he was there. The Angel then related to her the details of the boys death. At this, the Theotokos (Greek title for Mary, the Mother of Jesus) turned to him and said, “Your mother has prayed fervently to me for your return, and my Son has granted her request. The boy, overwhelmed by the beauty of Paradise, begged to remain. The Mother of God, however, replied: No. For the sake of your mother, you must return. But hear me: You must confess the sin that you committed a month ago. (i.e. masturbation) This is a frightful sin, and unless you confess it to a Priest, behold what will happen to you.”
At these words, the Theotokos asked the Archangel Michael to escort him to a precipice that overlooked the torments of Hell. The view was so frightening that the boy almost fainted. Afterwards, he re-traced his path through the dark tunnel, down through the heavens, over the city in which he lived, over his house, and then into the room where his family was gathered over his dead body. Then, feeling a tremendous pressure on his body, his soul returned to its place and he opened his eyes. He then related to his family all that had happened to him. His grieving mother, on hearing all that he told them, gave thanks to the Theotokos for her intervention with Christ on the boy’s behalf, and, weeping uncontrollably, embraced and warmly kissed him.
12.1 million years without a wank
Feb 2nd
Before taking our leave of the marvellous Mr. Vijay Kumar and his illuminating belief system, we felt it important to pass on one more pearl of his wisdom for your benefit.
Vijay explains:
“All human beings are not born equal. We are at different levels of manifestation. In the human form we have a total of 1.1 million manifestations (an earthly journey of 12.1 million years). It is only as a human being that we gain enlightenment (kaivalya jnana) and finally salvation (moksha). As ordained by God every human being has a maximum of 1.1 million manifestations to reach the level of enlightenment. And how does one do it?
Those extremely intelligent beings preserve the quota of cosmic energy given to every man and woman monthly. They do not while away this precious energy masturbating all the time. Thoughts of perverse nature… thoughts of the opposite sex indulge us in channeling out this precious quota of energy through pure physical channels. Indulge… and we are out of the race! Preserve… we can become a Buddha in this very life!
By preserving this cosmic energy in the body… we increase the resistance of the body to phenomenal levels. I have observed… rather come across people who preserved their quota of energy right from a young age. Even snakebite did not affect them! Their body had even become immune to poison! Such human beings normally scale those frontiers of life where normal human beings fear to tread!
When the opportune time comes… we shall all have a life partner! We shall get our time to indulge, love and live a life full of gaiety and laughter. Why indulge now and mar the future! The prerogative of decision has been left in the hands of human beings by God Almighty. Why not treat all woman folk until marriage as our mothers, sisters and daughters. We can do it… if we really desire scaling unknown frontiers in life later on.”
So what we can take from this is the fact that we are each destined to be on this planet for 12.1 million years in a million different manifestations, and if we can just resist the overwhelming temptation to bother the old trouser badger, we will eventually become immune to snake bites and other poisons.
Proof that nuts do indeed aid masturbation
Feb 2nd
Here at Male Masterbation, we like to consider all beliefs and approaches to the pleasurable subject of male masterbation. Some of the more unusual, if not downright eccentric views are those expressed by Mr. Vijay Kumar (the man who realized God in 1993).
Vijay believes that we should be storing our semen as a vital energy source, and that the end of the world will occur in 2012, when, amongst other portents, ‘the elephant will tremble at the sight of the ant’.
Explains Vijay in his essay entitled Steps to Celibacy:
“Knowing well, that human beings are carefree… meant to indulge in sexual relationships… God Almighty ordained a particular quota of energy provided to every man and woman month by month! It is only by preserving this cosmic energy that one moves ahead in life. All steps to celibacy finally lead one to a successful life… be it the spiritual path or the physical manifest world! In our childhood this cosmic energy keeps storing and we dream higher and higher! For a child there is no limit to dreaming! The moment one reaches the stage of puberty… all gets lost! By indulgence in masturbation… frequent night falls… human beings really lose track of life!”
In 1993, Vijay was granted by God the opportunity to look into the future:
‘Based on the residual Mass Karma of the World community in 1993… it was projected before me a nuclear World War III… a fight to the finish between Christianity and Islam Dharma was imminent in 1998. Somewhere between 1998 and 1999 I could foresee the start of a really disastrous world war in which about 1200 million people were going to perish. (About 20% of the entire population existing on Mother Earth)
World War III was to have continued from 1999 to 2003 for a period of full four years. Subsequently after about two years everything would have subsided. In 2006 was expected a new world order under the reins of India which would become superpower number one after the nuclear world war. China shall become the second biggest power on Mother Earth…’
And although these predictions turned out to be inconveniently unfulfilled, Vijay is not is in the least discouraged, he says WWIII will occur unless:
“As performs the world community comprising of 6000 million people… so shall be the result. As we sow so shall we reap… nothing more or less! We cannot expect mangoes to grow on a guava tree.” So a summary of Vijay’s beliefs are as follows:
- We must store semen as a vital energy source
- Humans lose track of life when they masturbate
- India will be the world’s leading super power after WWIII
We cannot expect mangoes to grow on a guava tree
The world’s most unlikely weight loss technique
Feb 2nd
And the award for the world’s most unlikely weight loss technique goes to….Onanibics. ‘Onanibics’ combines the art of male masterbation with the science of aerobics to supposedly form a new weight loss regimen, whereby you lose weight simply by wacking off.
Onanibics was developed to help men lose weight and promote male masturbation as a normal, healthy function. Onanibics works on the principle that ejaculation raises the basic metabolism of muscles and consumes calories. With fewer calories, subcutaneous fat is consumed, making it easier to trim down.
In Japanese the word “onani” means to masturbate whereas “bics” stands for aerobics. These two words together create the male masturbation techniques we know today as Onanibics.
Onanibics outlines a number of exercises to be practiced daily by both the novice masturbator as well as the professional. The invention of new Onanibics exercises is actively encouraged, but in the meantime, to start the regimen, some gruelling Onanibics exercises have already been provided. These include ‘Mastur Crunches’, and here’s how they are performed:
‘Mastur Crunches’
Lie down on the floor and bend your knees while placing your feet flat on the ground. Place one hand behind your head and the other on your cock. Using your abdominal strength, curl your shoulders up and off the floor towards your hips and begin your stroking motion. When your shoulders cannot come up any higher, pause for one second and contract your abdominals. Return to starting position and repeat for desired number of reps or until ejaculation occurs. Remember to alternate arms between sets.
There are also a few cogent ‘don’ts to be observed while using this technique:
Don’t: Don’t pull your head up with your hand as this may cause neck injury. The only head you should be pulling during this exercise is the one on your pecker.
Muscles Worked: Abdominals, Forearm Flexors, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
These tongue in cheek techniques are taught by an ‘Onanibics Professional’ who offers sage advice such as: Onani Fact: A man’s beard grows faster when he anticipates sex. Of course in reality the only set of muscles to really get a work out from Onanibics is likely to be those you use when you grin.
The surprise early morning blowjob
Jan 15th
If you’re lucky enough to have a girlfriend who is doing this for you, for Heaven’s sake keep her. There are far too few girls running this kind of service for their guy:
- Pull the duvet back carefully and remove any clothing he might be wearing but be careful not to wake him.
- Run your hands slowly down his body, making sure he’s still asleep. The perfect morning blow job is one your significant other wakes up to, not one he knows is coming.
- Slide your body down the bed and choose the position you like best. Some guys will start responding right away if you try to climb on top of them, while other guys will sleep right through it. If he’s a light sleeper, try sitting on your knees right against his hips and lean over his body.
- Use your hand to gently stroke his shaft until he starts to get hard. You can go right down on him if you want, but you can get things started quicker if you stroke a bit first.
- Lower your lips and run your tongue gently over the tip. This really gets a guy going. He’ll still be asleep, but he’ll love what you’re doing.
- Slowly suck him into your mouth, opening your mouth up a little wider to take him as deep as possible. Even if you never thought you were capable of deep throating before, with him completely asleep and no audience, you might just find how capable you really are.
- Continue stroking the shaft while applying more pressure until your guy finally comes alive. Don’t be surprised if he gets a little excited to find you down there while he’s asleep!
Ah well, for those of us who live in the real world, there’s always the considerable consolation of an Autoblow Blast. The Autoblow Blast is a premium deep throat blowjob machine that will give you a reliable, unquestioning fully automatic no hands blow job in the morning, the evening, in the afternoon, or whenever you want it. Just apply a little lube, slip it over your aching tool, set the multi-speed controller as fast or as slow as you wish, then just sit back and pretend you really are getting a surprise early morning blowjob from the babe of your dreams.
Overdoing it? Could be time to don the masturband
Jan 15th
There are men and women who masturbate several times a week without developing any physiological defects. They show no decline in their reproductive capabilities,(a misconception that was until recently, strongly maintained for several years.) However, just because there are no perceptible physical side-effects of over masturbation, there are definitely some mental and emotional problems to consider.
Both men and women who masturbate too frequently develop an addiction-like attraction for the habit. They will not be able to spend a single day without masturbation, and will seek to indulge whenever the opportunity presents itself. It even becomes difficult to focus on work. Over masturbation can also induce a lethargic and sluggish approach to society, making the person become a slow learner too wrapped up in his/her addiction for masturbation so that they do not show any kind of initiative or progress.
Another side-effect of over masturbation is that those who over indulge develop such a strong affinity to the habit that they simply cannot get the same kind of arousal through normal heterosexual intercourse. This, if anything, will affect their reproductive capability.
From a few decades ago when masturbation was a massively taboo subject, today’s view on masturbation could be viewed as being too sympathetic and over indulgent, with an open, anything goes approach, and availability of vast amounts of pro-masturbation information and techniques readily accessible with just a few clicks of a mouse.
If you’ve been wanting to make efforts to curb the habit, you could try a masturband. A masturband is a doubled-up black wristband indicating that the wearer practices abstinence from masturbation. You are expected to remove the masturband if or when you begin masturbating again. It was originally devised for social groups who wish to remain pure, but it can work equally well with a trusted partner or among friends. Your commitment by wearing the masturband, acts as a powerful signal; all those who participate with you know that if you are no longer wearing your masturband, you have lapsed again. Of course you can cheat, but ultimately the only person you are cheating is yourself.
These signs could mean that your masturbation habit is becoming excessive:-
• You start looking for breaks to be alone so that he/she can masturbate.
• You think too much about it and you find it hampers your routine work.
• You find yourself becoming averse to normal heterosexual sex.